Confessions

This is based on a true story.

A certain older relative told my mom when I was 5 years old that she hates seeing me jump off their bed. " ang kapal ng mukha tumatalon pa sa kama namin". When my mom told me that, she said that I should never do it again. I see nothing wrong with it. I was playing with my niece and nephew when that happened if I remember correctly. But I have to obey my mom, from then on, I never did that again. Up until this day, I feel shyness whenever I go to their house.

Being an only child, I have learned to live by myself. I would call myself an instant friend and playmate. I got used to it eventually. Playing alone, talking to myself, doing things by myself. Activities that only includes me and myself.

Elementary days was fine. I have my set of friends or barkada. I was a consistent honor student. I was an active student. During a relative's funeral, my niece was being introduced by her father to a friend. Her father was so proud of her. When I overheard the conversation, I thought to myself that someday, I would like to hear my dad say those things. But it never happened.

Highschool was the worst. It was dreadful. I lost my barkada. Yes it was painful. Having one of them say that " lahat naman kami ayaw ka na namin bumalik sa star section", was humiliating and degrading at the same time. Come 3rd year highschool, I was transferred to the 2nd section. I had no REAL friends. I can prove that cause a certain classmate told me that whenever I was absent, my classmates would talk about me and mock me, saying I was too mayabang because I was the first honor. That was the 1st time that I became a 1st honor. That was the time that I actually believed in myself. Do they know why I wanted to be 1st honor so bad? No they don't of course. I wanted to please my father. I wanted him to be proud. I wanted him to tell his friends,"  that's my daughter, and she's on top of the class". But I endured all the bullying, even if it means that I will work alone on projects that requires you to work as a group. I felt proud of myself. I want to thank my 3rd year highschool adviser Mrs.Milad for believing in me, and for telling me that I excel in everything that I do.

4th year highschool was no different. We became busy planning for our college lives. My top 2 university picks are UP and UST. But I failed. Someone said, " pag di ka pa nakapasa sa UST, tanga ka na". I actually believe  that it's true. I literally cried when I failed. I was always the second best when being compared with my relatives.They never pay attention to me when I do something right, when I excel. They only notice me when I do something wrong, something humiliating. When people say that " wow ang galing naman, lahat sila UP", I literally want to slap them in the face. I am not an ISKOLAR NG BAYAN as they call it. I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO IS NOT. I pity myself. I would resort to positive thinking and then would shrug it off. I would always tell myself that it's not based on what school you came from. Sometimes, the most powerful and corrupt officials come from the BIG 4 schools.

I was never wrong when I chose St.Scholastica's College. An exclusive school for girls. You see, St.Scho teaches young women how to be a woman of dignity. I admire St.Scho for nurturing the mind of the late president Cory Aquino. I took Nutrition and Dietetics. That was the closest course to medicine. And Oh by the way, I believe that I am still the only one who will not be a doctor someday and I am sorry. My mind just couldn't afford to be one. College was no different either, the bullying continued and because I couldn't take it anymore, I shifted to Mass Comm. I would like to thank Mrs. Tesalona for telling my parents that there's no reason for me to shift courses because I was smart. I wish I could tell you that the only reason I shifted was bullying. When I talked with my guidance counselor, she simply asked, " paano mo naendure ang bullying?". I couldn't answer it either. I didn't know what to answer.

I got married at the age of 19, gave birth to a daughter at the age of 19. People labeled me as a slut. Someone even said that, " buti nga sayo nabuntis ka ang landi mo kasi eh". Excuse me, can you please tell me the definition of malandi? Accuse me of being malandi if the father of my child is not my current boyfriend that time. Now, do you know what being malandi means? I don't have one night stands and I don't like the idea of flings and flirting or whatever. Having sex doesn't mean your malandi. And to that someone who said that, I am thankful that I got pregnant because from that I learned that I was capable of reproduction.

Being married is not easy. There are certain times that I want to give up, to quit. I was tired of having to hear my husband say that " ang hina mo umintindi" "wala kang kwenta" " karapat dapat ka naman talagang saktan". But still, I stayed. Many people would say, "ang papansin naman sa FB". Before you say that, let me tell you that I have no one to talk to. So what do you want me to do? Another thing that pissed me was when my husband's female cousin, upon learning that we have a relationship, apparently asked him" anong ugali ni maricar?". Before you ask that, we are not that close when we were classmates in highschool. I only choose what I want you to see. And if you think of me as a rebel or whatever, I couldn't do nothing about it. But now that you can see and hear my story, would you ask my husband that same question again? I know that you don't like me from the beginning and that's fine with me. Another thing that pisses me off is when someone continually brings the past back. A friend of my husband from the states came to visit the philippines. He keeps on teasing my husband about his ex. Some respect please? WE ARE NOT CLOSE to begin with. I know that you are friends with his ex, but for the love of God, his ex had another boyfriend while she was away and then when she came back she dumped your friend. How was that? Don't try to bring the past back cause it will not happen again no matter how much you want it. If you like your friend for my husband, then why not court her and be her boyfriend instead? Makes sense?

Having a baby isn't easy either. It is tiring. I am lucky that my parents are helping me to take care of my baby. I feel sad whenever I ask money from my parents. I know that they are having a hard time paying our bills. Because of that, I now work 15 hours a day just to earn money. Even if I have no time to eat and sleep, I don't complain. But in fact, they are the ones that complain. They keep saying that I don't take care of my baby. People just don't understand.

Hard. It is really hard to be me. Don't ever wish to trade places with me because you'll be sorry. Yes, I get all the material things that I want and money was never a problem. But after hearing and reading my story, I bet you don't want to be me anymore.

I want to thank my psychiatrist for listening to me. For not judging me and for helping me recover even if it takes that I have to take an anti-depressant pill everyday. I would like to thank her for offering me some tissues when I cry, because when I cry at home, my husband usually doesn't care, he even gets mad because he can't sleep when I cry. Thank you for always reminding me that I still have something good in me. And that I should not live my life for the people who don't matter.

Thank you to the friends who looked beyond my imperfections and stayed with me all throughout. To those who accepted me as I am. Not everyone can accept me but you still did. I'll admit that it's hard to be my friend, but thank you for staying.

If there's one thing that I learned, People will always judge you from what they see outside and from what they also see inside. They will always have something to say, regardless of what you did. Even if it is right or wrong.